The week following the hardest news

.  Day 2
     Could not sleep all night. Woke up and kept crying. Adam had to console me. This was day 2 of my horrible nightmare, the nightmare that  you could ever imagine happening to you. I tried to start my day healthy, got oatmeal on the stove, had a family breakfast, got girls ready, and then off to preschool. Dropped olivia off and then back in car, before I knew it I had a full hysterical emotional breakdown for a good 10 mins. Seriously I cannot control my emotions.
     Today I told Olivia that Brigham had an owie on his head and that we were not going to be able to take him home. She was heartbroken and started crying. We talked about it a little, but she started crying and kept saying she didn't want to die. It was truly heartbreaking. I tried to just mention little things and not overwhelm her, I told her that she would live a wonderful long life and have kids, and she got excited over that.  I told her that Brigham was different and would need to go live with Heavenly father.  She then asked, "Will Brigham visit us from heaven?" I told her after her long life we will all be able to be with Brigham again.  I also saw her looking at the ultrasound pics and she said, look how adorable he is mom?! This girl is really an angel from above, I am so lucky to have her right now. Anytime I am sad she will come and and tell me," mom did you know j love you more than all the princesses in The world"
     Adam and I were able to go to the temple today which was a well needed trip. We ended up barely making through the session because of how hard we both were crying. Adam said he was so close to walking out because of how he could not control his emotions. He mentioned how thin the veil was and how he could feel Brigham there with us, he said he could see him as a young boy and it just broke his heart.  We went to bed singing to the girls. They were adorable and each of them sang a wonderful song to Brigham and it was so tender and sweet.

Day 3
     Started with waking up at 3 am not able to sleep. I am wide awake in my nightmare again. Can't I just wake up yet? Oh my dear sweet Brigham, I love you so much and want you. I want your sweet body to snuggle me every 3 hrs when I feed you. I want to wake up for you and feel pain for you.  I want to watch you grow and play baseball and sports and be like your daddy. I want all of this more than life itself, but I can't have it. No matter what I do, how righteous I try to become, I can't have you!! You were made to live this life. a life within my womb. I can protect you and give you the comfort you need when you are inside me. I can live with you and enjoy your sweet spirit when you are inside of me, if this is the only option to feel close to you I will do it. I will honor your sweet life and do this. Please stay strong for me, know that I am here and love you more than words can express:)
     Today we tried to go about our normal activities and we didn't make it that far. Every 15 mins usually one of us would break down, when we were at home it was a little easier, but the hardest was when we were out and about.  Who knew best buy would bring a melt down out of us.  Anyways, we were able to get blessings from Adam's dad, which was an amazing and comforting experience for both of us.  We both talk about that we don't feel hate towards anyone or God, or anger, but we just feel a deep deep unbearable sorrow and it   feels as if we can't move on.  This blessing addressed that sorrow and addressed Brigham and his role in our family and how righteous he is.  He and this experience will definitely make me a better person and through this I will gain a better appreciation for the whole plan Heavenly Father has provided for us.

Day4
     Last night I slept a little better, but woke up a couple times in pain.  I did have a dream that was both comforting yet heartbreaking at the same time.  I had him early and he was normal.  I held him and looked into his blue eyes and got to feed him and have him.  In my dream I did realize that I was dreaming, but I did not want to wake up.  I wanted to hold him for eternity.  Those blue eyes pierced my heart and it brought me to tears when I woke up knowing that would not be the case with him.  We woke up and stayed at home most of the day.  The girls are bringing  me much comfort and I am loving playing puzzles and reading with them.  They talk about Brigham and today they showed him much love by singing to him and kissing my belly.  Adam is trying to work, but it is extremely hard for him to concentrate.  He will start the day with meetings and then reality keeps setting in.  Today we were so exhausted and needed to leave the house.  We drove around Provo and that helped a little to get out of the house.

Day 5 
    I tried to go about my normal life today, but "normal" doesn't mean the same thing anymore.  My life is changed and hopefully someday I will realize it has been changed for the better, but right now I am stuck in the sadness of knowing I will not hold my baby very long.  Knowing I will not raise this beautiful son on this earth.  Adam told me it would be a good idea to go the gym everyday like I did before, but when I got there I realized that it was a bad Idea.  Maybe good for my body and health, but I was an emotional wreck bawling hysterically on the treadmill. Today Adam and I talked about our extreme desire for this little Brigham to be born alive and maybe get some time with him.  I have been looking up statistics, but they don't mean much to me anymore after this situation.  We ultimately are praying for that and hoping that we can make it to full term and hold a chunky baby, but we will see what Heavenly Father's plan is.