4 weeks ago my life changed forever!

     4 weeks ago our little Brigham came into this world and left it 35 minutes later.  I can still remember the feeling of holding his sweet little body in my arms.  There was a spirit indescribable and all the nurses that would come in commented about the feeling in the room.  Our sweet Brigham was such an inspiration to all that learned about his situation.  After we got diagnosed at our 20 wk appointment they said he probably would die in the womb, but he defied all odds.  He fought through the whole pregnancy and made it out alive.  The doctors even said that babies like this don't move, but Brigham even wanted to prove that wrong and he moved more than any of my other children.  I feel like he was trying to make the most of his life even if it was in the womb.  I know he would have loved roller coasters like his mom, because he literally did flips all day.  It was fun to feel and watch my belly move around.
     I can still remember how big I got at the end (measuring at 44 wks) because of all the fluid I had.  I knew it would be more comfortable to have him, but I didn't care how uncomfortable I got.  I ended up icing and heating at night because I had over 5 1/2 liters in my belly and it was stretching my skin and putting pressure on my organs.  I wanted to do anything and everything for my sweet Brigham.  I know that it made it possible for him to live the short time he did, but I wished so bad I could make it possible for him to stay with us.  I wanted him to live so bad....so bad that it made me ache inside every day I woke up to the reality I was placed in.  Knowing he was going to die was the hardest thing I have ever had to face, but waking up to that knowledge and moving on with the pregnancy was even harder.  I cherished every little movement, ultrasound picture, memory, heart beat check, appointment and so forth.  He was my little boy and I wanted anything and everything I could get my hands on.  I even related all the songs I would listen to my sweet Brigham.
     I loved every feature of his perfect body.  They said his anencephaly was the worst case they had seen and yet they said he was the cutest anencephaly baby that they had seen.  He was so adorable.  He was big and chunky and so long for his age.  He was the normal length of a full term baby and that was without the top of his head.  His face was just like Adam's and his feet were just like mine.  The girls loved to snuggle him and Olivia would not let go of his hand, even when he was in the casket at the viewing Olivia reached her hand over and would hold his hand.  Even when his spirit left I did not want to let go him, the physical connection and longing to his body was so hard to let go of.
     Now having him gone and the fight is truly over I am sad.  What I would give to go through the pain of labor, the uncomfortable symptoms and the unknown thoughts and feelings when we entered the hospital just to get that 35 mins with him again.  Just to hold his perfect body after he died again. I WOULD GIVE ANYTHING!!! He really brought me more joy than I thought would ever be possible when he was born, but yet I felt more sorrow that I thought was possible when we buried his sweet body.  Oh, Brigham.....my thoughts never leave, my heartache won't fade, my love won't die for you!
     A month later have I healed??? Well, physically I am now almost back to my normal body, but emotionally and spiritually I will never be the same.  I am never going to heal completely and that is okay.  I read somewhere that "grief" is good, it means you "loved".  It means you loved more than you could ever love before.  If that is true than I want to grieve.... I need to grieve... because I can honestly say I have not loved someone or fought for something harder than I did for Brigham. Our sweet boy will never be mine on this earth, but I know he is supposed to be in Heaven.  I know that God truly has a plan for our little family.  We will always yearn to have him here and I will think about him everyday of my life, but it will all work out in the end.  We will someday be with him again I know this without a shadow of a doubt.  Our Brigham is our boy forever...

FAMILIES ARE FOREVER!!!