Brigham is 2 months old in Heaven today!

     It is crazy that our sweet little Brigham is technically 2 months old.  I think these milestones are super hard and such a reminder of what we are missing out on.  How can I be at all okay with not having my baby and thinking about everything he would be doing right now..........BUT........Even with all the heartache and sorrow I feel on a daily basis today this milestone was different.   It was different in the fact that I actually felt some content amidst the heartache.  I did not know that was possible, I think It was truly a miracle. Each 16th that comes along is like a dagger to the soul, but today was a good day.  It was a good day because I was truly surrounded and comforted by God's love for me.
     I had a deep understanding or thought process that was beyond what I have felt in the past.  I saw the picture of my family waiting to meet Brigham for the first time and had a deep feeling of the family that has left this earth as well.  When Brigham was born we had a room next door for family to come and we could give them updates.  When I got to a 5 I went to a 10 within 5 minutes and everything went so fast.  As someone in my family described they started in the room and then moved to the hallway and then the doorway and before they knew it they were all huddled with anxious hearts in the room behind the curtain waiting the arrival of Brigham. It brought tears to my eyes even hearing this because I knew they didn't want to miss anything.  They were so anxious to meet Brigham that they kept moving closer in the room, and before they knew it they were within 4 feet of the bed.  They absolutely LOVED Brigham before they even met him.  I just love my family and it got me thinking of my sweet family that have passed away.
     So when I saw that picture of them I thought of the sweet love my grandparents have for this Brigham and how he isn't here on earth to feel our families love, but he is with family there in heaven.  It was such a deep contentment I could not deny the feelings I felt.  He is being comforted and with the most admired and loving people I know...our grandparents.  I know the feeling that he is with the Savior gives me comfort, but there is something about knowing and loving your grandma and knowing now he is with her and everyone else I knew and admired so deeply.  Here are some things I loved and really treasured about our grandparents that are now getting to be with Brigham.

Grandpa Smith- I technically never met my Grandpa Smith before because he died in a drowning accident before I was born.  But without knowing him on this earth I have felt close to him many times in my life and it mostly had to do with my profession as a nurse.  He was an OB by profession and I thought about his life a lot as I have worked the last 8 yrs in the ER.  Death has been close to me a lot during those times, but I have always felt his comfort and guiding love.  My mom has told me that he was always a happy, fun-loving, and loved treats. I am so glad Brigham is able to interact and be with him right now.

Grandma Smith- My grandma died at the age of 87, and lived the last 30+ years without her husband by her side.  After his death she remained faithful and loving and always happy.  I cherished her outlook on life every time I saw her.  Even at the later years of her life when she was partly blind and deaf I still remember her feeling my frowy hair to distinguish who I am and then would say while smiling, "Oh, that's you Rebecca!" It always made me feel so special.  She also would get up and hold on to the counters and tap dance and sing for us, which was so cute to see her little 80 lb body do that.  I remember watching so many "musicals" at her house.  It was always fun to talk to her and I loved her outfits, she was so stylin.  I know she would be so caring and loving toward Brigham, which gives me such comfort.

Grandma Jacobson- My sweet Grandma Jacobson has always had such a tender spot of my heart.  I was about 4 yrs old when she died, but I do remember visiting her once when she was sick and walking into her room and sitting on a piano bench as we all talked around in a circle.  I knew that she loved the color purple and loved to bake and still think about her when I see anything purple.  There have been multiple times in my life when I have felt her close to me.  I know that she talk so many wonderful  things to my Dad and that is why he is such a wonderful man.  She was very smart and capable and I heard she baked so well.  I love thinking about my sweet Grandma while I am baking and I can just picture her making some yummy stuff for Brigham in Heaven, because lets be honest heaven couldn't be heaven without some good home cooking:)

Grandpa Jacobson-My grandpa Jacobson died at 94 years old and I remember him very well.  I remember at a young age always doing Christmas programs at his house and him and the uncles would get around and talk after.  I know he loved to play cards and games and that is just how I am.  I loved learning about all the wonderful places he traveled, because he was a major traveler and had a map with dots of where he had been.  He loved unique food and experiences and I know he loved understand and learning about different cultures and people.  He served multiple missions with my grandma and that always inspired me to do the same when I am older.  I know he is helping Brigham with missionary work and traveling around helping people.  I don't understand much about after life, but I know that my grandpa is helping he achieve or do whatever he needs to do.  I also know I feel close to both him and Brigham when I am out in the wilderness and outdoors.

Grandma Welch- Oh sweet Grandma Welch.  I came into the family about 5 years before Grandma Welch passed away.  I loved her family dinners she would have at her house and the wonderful love I felt as I walked in her house. From the very beginning she was give me the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek every time I saw her.  I could imagine her doing this to Brigham when I came back after his short stay on earth.  I love picturing this, because I know she loved him just like we did and still do.  She was an amazing grandma and always supported Adam.  She wrote him on his mission every week and would send multiple packages to him.  She loved the Jazz basketball, and really that is where I know Adam gets his passion and love for sports and especially BYU.  Since Brigham was named after the Brigham Young and we love football so much I know this is why we felt so close to him at the home opener game this week.  We know it wasn't by accident that we did so well and I know our Briggster was helping from the other side.

Grandpa Allridge- Grandpa Allridge died from colon cancer about 3 yrs into our marriage.  Adam had a sweet bond with his grandpa and remember going on amazing fishing trips with him.  He was a very humble, honest, quiet, sweet person.  I remember he loved gardening and had amazing fruit from his backyard.  I remember coming over to his house after we were married and he took us back into his backyard and telling and showing us all that he had planted.  He was such a giving and loving person and even though he wasn't outward about his feelings, he was the one behind the scenes helping others in need.  I love my grandpa and I hope that he is helping Brigham understand and love nature as much as he did on the other side of the veil.  I will always feel grandpa close when I plant tomatoes every year, because he was truly an expert and loved to teach anyone that would listen.

   I am grateful for today....I am grateful for the sweet sweet feeling I have from thinking about my ancestors that are now taking care of Brigham for me.  He is okay.....He is loved..... He is cared for....He is thriving..... he is helping..... he is doing all of this and I know my grandparents are helping him.  Love you Brigham, Happy 2 months in Heaven xoxoxoxo

The veil is thin...

     We had a special Blessing day today for Brigham's cousin Zoey.  We had talked through the pregnancy how fun it was going to have both Zoey and Brigham close in age.  We all looked forward to when they would play together, but after the news about Brigham things changed.  It was so hard to know our little boy couldn't play together with his cousin.  Things progressed and he was born and it even got more real knowing he would not have the chance to be here on earth.  So today little Zoey was blessed and even though we love Zoey dearly, it reminded us so much of Brigham and what we are missing out on and will miss out in the future. But just how Brigham has been helping us along the way, he knew it would be hard for us and was there ready to help us.  During the sweet blessing Aaron Blessed that her sweet Cousin would be helping her along her life.  I know that more than anything, I know that he was in that meeting and that sweet Zoey could see and feel Brigham there.
     After Zoey was blessed grandma was holding her next to me and asked me if I wanted to hold her.  I said yes and the moment I felt that sweet girl in my arms, I felt such peace. She looked right in my eyes and started trying to talk, I truly felt like she was trying to tell us that all will be okay, that Brigham is happy and doing well and will stay with us throughout our lives.  She started smiling and staring straight in my eyes and I could just feel the love that Brigham has for both of us.  She then looked up and almost behind so that she could connect with Adam's eyes and started doing the same thing.  There is no doubt in my mind that she is close to Brigham, she can see him and is trying to send his love he has for us through her sweet self.  Here is a letter to sweet Zoey---
Zoey,
      I know that you will bless my life.  I know you will help me in ways you don't understand.  I know that is was not by accident you made it here on earth and Brigham's life was short and needed to go back to Heavenly Father so soon.  You have already blessed my life by letting me hold you and feel your sweet spirit.  At times the pain of not having Brigham here is too hard to bare, but holding your sweet little body has comforted me more than you will ever know.
     You are only 3 weeks older than your sweet cousin Brigham.  We were so excited when we found out your mom was pregnant with you and so excited that Brigham was following in your footsteps.  You were a mover in your mom's belly just like Brigham.  He would do flips over and over again in my belly:) Zoey, Live your life to make Brigham proud.  Know that I love you with all my heart and that I will always be here for you in anyway, & Brigham is on the other side helping us both as well, Forever on Team Briggs!!
Love your Aunty Becca xoxoxoxox

still crying for our Brigham....

     When I was putting Olivia to bed tonight she started crying "Brigham....Brigham...." She misses him so much.  It is so crazy she can love him so much and have such an attachment to him when we only had him here on earth for such a short time.  I know that when I was pregnant though she was so involved and LOVED to feel him kick and talk to him.  I talked her about where Brigham is and how he is our angel here.  She asked, if the day we would be with and see Brigham again was soon (ressurection), if it was after Christmas.  I told her it is not for a long time, not until she probably has kids of her own. She was very dissapointed with that answer.  I feel so bad that she is dealing and feeling the same feelings as Adam and I.  I just held her close and let her cry...
     After she cried for a little bit, I went on to tell her that Heavenly Father has a plan for each one of us.  He watches over us and we go through things that we are supposed to go through.  I explained Brigham didn't need to be here long and Heavenly Father needed him up in Heaven.  She answered with, "Why didn't Heavenly Father make a plan to have Brigham here with us?"  I was taken back by that question, but just explained his love for us and that it will all work out in the end.
     It will work out in the end, Right?  I asked Olivia what faith means during scripture study and she responded with, "faith means to don't ever give up!" She is one smart cookie.....I am not giving up and will never give up.  I know it will work out in the end and that no matter what... God loves me and he will make everything right on the other side.  Even though I miss Brigham more than words can express I know He is doing the Lords work on the other side.  I feel him close wherever I go and I know Brigham will and is helping us.  No heartache goes unnoticed, no tear goes uncompensated.  I am striving to keep the faith and do all that I can to be close to our Heavenly Father and I know in return God will bless me and our sweet family.  God is good and we will be okay, okay doesn't mean not hurting or heartache it just means we will get through it.  I will always hurt for my sweet Brigham, I will always have a hole there, but with God's help I will get through it and every other trial I face.