Each milestone I hit my heart feels like it has been ripped open again. Tomorrow will be 4 months since my Brigham went to heaven. I hurt just knowing a "16" of any month is near, it just means one more month has gone by with me not holding my baby. Today I might have scared Adam. I have been functioning fine, so I thought and then it just hit me.... It hits me so hard and fast I am doing everything I can to fight back the tears. This moment was worse than I have had in a while and I felt has though I was physically, emotionally, spiritually breaking apart. It's the reality check that seems to smack you in the face and too many of those checks, your body has hits its limit. We got in the car and I literally curled in the fetal position in the car and could not stop crying.... It was so sad, but worse than that I was scared for myself. I have never seen me so hysterical.. Adam did such an amazing job at calming me down and by the time I made it home I was so much better. I am grateful for a loving spouse that lifts me when I am down, calms my aching heart, and cheers me on when I feel I have no strength.
I told Adam I just need a break..... I need a break from hurting so bad and feeling such deep pain. I need a silver lining, blessings that people talk about, Angels ministering, really I just need something.... Today is not a day I want to relive and I hope I can get stronger and face tomorrow with more resilience, but For now I am so heartbroken and I physically ache for Brigham.
