our soon to be guardian angel

     We went to our second perinatologist appointment yesterday as a follow up and due to my increased fluid.  We had to go to a new one because our insurance changed this month.  This was a very hard appointment, mostly emotional because we saw our little perfect Brigham in there moving around.  The tech came in first and measured everything and checked his whole body.  He is literally perfect!!! He is measuring exactly on track with body mass at 28 weeks and a few days.  He is moving around so much that it was hard for them to get pictures. His arms and hands are continually by his face, which is so so cute.  They checked the fluid amount and I have increased and it is now at 29.5 cm, which is 2-3 times the normal fluid level.  I am measuring about full term and I am only 29 weeks.
     Anencephaly has different levels of severity.  A lot of times it starts with something called Acrania, which is a small hole  in the skull, but most of the brain tissue is still there.  Then over time Acrania turns into anencephaly as the amniotic fluid washes was the brain.  His case is quite severe and it was hard to see how far his brain tissue was.  They did 3d ultrasound which showed us almost completely what he will look like.  His face is so precious and beautiful, but he was missing most of his brain tissue.
     This was by far one of the hardest appointments for me and Adam.  We watched our sweet boy for almost 2 hrs, he was so content and happy in there and it just broke my heart.  I want to save him, I want to stop this process, I want to do so many things for him.... but as reality set in and is constantly showing it ugly face -I CAN'T.  I am truly doing my best in giving him the best life he can truly have.      We are worried about the high fluid and possibility of 4 complications-water breaking, cord prolapse, placenta tear(causes bleeding), and pre term labor.  So we are considering an amnio, but with that she explained there are quite a few risks as well... My placenta is on the front of my belly, which could cause a tear when they do the amnio, which is a bleeding emergency.  Through the whole appointment my brain was racing trying to solve all these problems and trying to make these decisions that we will have to make.  But I am overwhelmed with a sense of peace that God is over all things.  He knows the heartache I am going through, and now he knows the stress of making decisions that could make this situation go so different, but he is over it all.  I pray that I will be able to make the right decision and that God's will can play out exactly as planned.
     This outcome will end the same, but the journey can be so different and that is a hard reality.  With all the heartache I can't help but think of the eternal perspective.  I can't live in the here and now anymore, I am not given that luxury at this time.  The only thing I can do is hold on to that plan of salvation and know that he is mine and will always be mine.  No matter what this journey brings he is my sweet and precious boy and he is blessing our lives everyday right now.  Those blessings will not stop when he dies, I know he will be our family's little angel, watching over us and helping us along the way.  There is a book I read to the girls that is so sad, but so true.  It is called, "I wanted a baby, but I got an angel instead." This book brings great perspective of the reality and the sadness of this whole process, but the overall plan and joy of him being our sweet guardian angel on the other side at the end brings much peace.