In the eyes of a child...

     From the day we found out we were pregnant both girls have loved little Brigham so much.  They were so excited to have him come and be able to snuggle him at our house.  When we found out about his diagnosis at our 20 week appointment I don't think they understood the entire situation, but over time they understood beyond their years.  Olivia told me while pregnant, "that we need to take care of Brigham while he was in my belly and then he would go up to Heaven and Heavenly Father would take good care of him."  Even while they knew that he would not be with us at home after he was born, they still loved him and wanted him.  Throughout the entire pregnancy they felt his kicks, watched him on ultrasound, listened to his heartbeat, sang to him, talked to him, and all around loved him in my womb.  We could not have loved someone more than our little Brigham in my belly.
     It was priceless seeing the girls come in the hospital room and meet Brigham for the first time.  Their faces said it all and they were in love with their little brother.  They were so excited to touch him, hold him, snuggle him and that is exactly what they did.  Almost the whole time we had him with us our girls were right there holding his hand and taking selfies with him.  Olivia could not let him go, even though she knew his spirit was in Heaven.  It was the connection she had with his body and the physical touch of holding him in her arms.
     When we had to give him to the mortuary 24 hours after he was born, our sweet Olivia was beside herself.  We said a family prayer in the hospital room and then we each had time to snuggle him and she was beyond consolable.  She wanted him and it was hard for her young mind to understand why we couldn't keep him.  When they took him, she was literally screaming, "I want to be with Baby Brigham!!!" It just broke our hearts.....when we got in the car after, the only thing that calmed her down was singing "Families can be together forever" and giving her the Brigham bear we made for her.
     The morning after she started crying again and has episodes ever since.  It reminds me of myself and the mourning that I am doing with missing him near us.  She got through for a few days because we told her that we would see his body at the mortuary.  After that came, then we told her we would see his body at the funeral.  But once we had to close that casket there were no more chances of seeing his physical body.  As we closed the casket the pictures showed Olivia's sweet little hand holding Brigham's hand the entire time.  Even until the end she was connected to him and she was proud to be his sister.
     Olivia started crying when I put her to bed tonight and she said she wants to be with Brigham.  She has been really missing him lately and I made her a photo book that she looks at multiple times a day.  The questions come and I truly hope and pray I am answering them correctly.
She said tonight, "Mom, when I die will my body be in the ground and my spirit be up with Brigham in heaven?"
I answered by saying, "Livy that is right, but you will live a long time with mommy and daddy and then when Jesus comes again we will all get resurrected and we will get to be with Brigham again and his spirit will be reunited with his body."
She smiled and with relief she answered,"Oh really, we will have him here with us?"
 I answered, "yes."
Then she said, "Mom, Jesus already died and came, why would he come again?"
I explained to her that at the end of the world he would come again.
     This sweet little girl knows so much and is searching for answers as of why our her little brother had to go up to heaven.  I was happy that this conversation started with her crying and ended with her smiling while snuggling her little "Brigham Bear" as she fell fast asleep.
     She is a sweet and sensitive girl and I am constantly amazed at her strength throughout this whole thing.  She makes sure she wears her Brigham shirt almost everyday and bracelet.  She has a Brigham Shelf where she keeps all the stuff she has made for Brigham and things that remind her of him.  Her new favorite color is "Brigham Blue" and she loves to color everything blue.  She makes lots of pictures of Brigham and our family.  This last week she made a picture and told me, "Mom, this is what Brigham would have looked like if he lived."  She drew this picture of a curly haired boy with a blue shirt and a big B on it.  I wonder if the veil is thin for her and she knows Brigham more than we think.  Either way, Olivia is blessing our lives right now as we got through this hard experience.
     Asia has been a strength to us through this whole experience as well.  She told us today that she sees Brigham at 9 pm.  Amy my sister asked her more and she said, "Yeah, I see Jesus holding Brigham when I sleep."  She goes to bed at 9 pm and so I think that is why she said 9 pm.  She has been so sweet through this whole thing and really just says what she is thinking.  Just like her sister her new favorite color is "Brigham Blue" and loves to get Brigham blue snow cones.
     While Asia was on the potty the other day she said, "Mommy, your belly is flat... You don't have a baby in there anymore huh mom?"
I answered her, "Yeah, Brigham isn't in my belly anymore, remember we saw him?"
She said, "Yeah mom, Jesus is holding Brigham in heaven remember?"

     Overall, these girls bring so much peace and love to my heart right now.  They are both constantly saying prayers to Heavenly Father asking to bless Brigham and help him be with us.  They know he is our little angel and I know they can feel him close.