We just got off the Disney cruise and had a blast with our family. We were struggling to decide to go, Because he died just 3 months ago and we chose not to go after we found out we were pregnant. So glad we re-examined our options and decided to come.
It was such a great escape from our life and really our reality. Sometimes I get depressed with my reality, I mean I have 2 beautiful girls and j don't down play any of that, it is just at times missing Brigham overtakes all my feelings. There were definitely hard things about the trip, but overall I am so glad we went.
The first day of the trip we wore our team Briggs shirts. The director of the cruise stopped us after the show and asked us what it stood for. Little Rosa looked at me for permission to talk to him and it was so sweet. She explained to Clayton the director, "that her cousin died, and we were part of it and we got these shirts to remember him". I was literally overcome with emotion. What a sweet thing that rosa could say and most of all such a sweet thing that she remembered him and wanted to share that.
Anyways, every night after that Clayton would call out team Briggs before the shows and it was so amazing. The last day of the trip Adam brought Clayton a team Briggs shirt. He was emotional and very appreciative of the gift. He told us that it was especially tender to him because his brother took his life 4 yrs ago and left 9 children. He went on to tell us those children have harbored such anger toward God and so he tried to make a positive event every year to remember him. He was impressed with our situation and told us that he knows it is not by accident that Briggs came to our family and at this time, and that Brigham is happy.
Most of the trip I kept my emotions together. One time it hit me hard when I was holding sweet Zoey and she started crying. I couldn't get her to stop and the emotions just started to flood my eyes. The last 3 months have been hard with baby cries. For the first month in a half or so my milk would come in with cries, and then I would just feel tingles and sad, and now sadness rushes over me and I can't handle it. I gave Zoey back to Steph and she understood. But there was also one amazing moment when I held baby Zoey and she fell asleep in my arms. I could feel Brigham so close and I just enjoyed every second of holding sweet little Zoey's body, Everything was okay... It was as if I was content and felt at peace, it was wonderful.
But then, a couple days later I had one night that I just broke down... I felt so alone... I felt so sad.... I felt so full of hurt I could not stop tears. During the dinner I had to run out so I didn't let anyone see me burst into tears. It was as if my tear tank was exploding... I held it through dinner and then at the show it came back, it was then I went back to my room. I cried so hard on my bed. When these waves hit me it is like my heart is literally breaking and I can't physically stop myself. I have never felt such deep deep ache until now.
I turned to the prophets for some guidance and found such peace.
Today when we left the boat, Olivia turned to me crying and said, "mom, do you know why I like to be around baby cash and Zoey, because I miss Brigham"
3 months without Brigham and it does feel as though my heart is still breaking at times, but that is because I have such a deep love for him. I know I will be okay and every day and hour I get stronger, but I am glad I still have moments of sadness, because that means he is still in my heart.
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