days continue, but my whole is still there

Jan. 16, 2016

Wow, where do I start.... today Marks the 6 month mark of Brigham being in heaven.. I have been dreading this date for awhile. Let's just say it was okay compared to yesterday. Yesterday was probably the hardest day I have had since Brigham left us....
I woke up knee in it would be a bitter sweet day knowing their would be the next baby boy coming to Adams family.  I knew this was coming, but I had so many fears about it. I really felt like Brigham was going to be replaced. I have such a deep love for him because he is my son, but it feels as though others have moved on.....
Woke up to multiple group me messages about the labor. And then Adam texts me about noon telling me he got fired from his job.... And then I find out my poor friends 2 year old boy who just started chemo has taken a turn for the worse and is incubated fighting for his life...this all happened before noon!!! Too many emotions and too many thoughts.... I wanted to help ease my friends pain, but I was in so much pain thinking about brighams half birthday, but also hurting knowing another baby was joining the family...
Let's just say it was hard...
We then drove around salt lake waiting to say hi to the baby, when Adam pulled over it the side of the road and a crazy guy literally tried to open Olivia's door to get in.... We drove off!!
Then before entering the hospital Olivia saw the picture of the new baby and asked, "is he going to live"... Emotionally I just wanted this day to end!! I left crying and then we were all packed heading up to a cabin with my family and stopped for gas when Asia just vomited all over the car, herself and everything!!! How could this be happening!!! It went from bad to worse to the hardest day ever!!!
Adam and I ended up laughing and we headed home. These days make us wonder if somehow we are being punished??
Hard hard day!! But today we woke up and Asia started feeling better and we headed up tot he cabin. When we got there my family all greeted us with Briggs shirts on and cheers as we walked in the door!! So amazing!! Made our day, and this day has turned out okay!!
Happy 6 month Briggs!! Love you!!

letters to clay and tiff, when they were taking off life support

Clay and Tiff,
     We had 2 baseball kits dropped off to you at the hospital. We made these kits with love in honor of our Briggs, but felt so strongly that these should be for you if you decide to use them. You can use the ink to imprint Bo's sweet little hand or foot on the ball, or you could use a pen and have family members sign it. With Briggs we actually put a signed baseball in the casket, and kept the other signed one. We know Clay has a special spot in his heart for baseball and wanted to maybe have something special for you. Don't feel pressured to use them, just wanted to make sure you could if you wanted to.
     We ache for you and your sweet family... Tears are streaming today as we think of the journey ahead for you. There is nothing we can say or do that will take this pain away, but We are so sorry you have to go through this. All we can tell you is we love you and God loves you. Bo came to amazing parents who love and give and have shown such an amazing example to all around.
-much love-Adam and Becca

Dear sweet Tiffany,
     I cannot stop thinking about you...... The pain, the heartache, the physical absence... Everything that is accompanied with death.  I know every death is different and we have totally different circumstances, but I do know the hole that comes when you watch your boy die. The hopes and dreams that are shattered when you hear a diagnosis. And the decisions that have to be made along that journey until that day comes that you have to say goodbye and even the decision to let him go.
     I know I don't know how you feel, but I do have a glimpse and I felt so strongly that I should write you just expressing my feelings.
Brigham was our first born son and he looked just like Adam. When we found out at 20 weeks we were shattered but through the journey the pain was so hard, knowing the outcome. But true pain came when we had to pick the day he would live and die, when we held him and had to let him go. He was so perfect and looked just like Adam and giving his sweet body to the mortician was so hard and almost impossible. My sweet Olivia was screaming... I want to go with baby Brigham.
    I do remember the emptiness as we left the hospital without him. The almost sleepless nights from crying and missing the weight of him in my arms. The dreams that still continue... The milk that was a reminder of where I should be and the pain of it not going away as I was extremely engorged.  This was my story and just like my story you now have one of your own.
     I didn't want a story, I wanted my child and the life I felt I deserved. I was trying to be righteous and just like what I thought as a child I felt I should be blessed.  What I didn't know then and I know now is I have been blessed even through the "story".  What is interesting is All children are from God and they all have a purpose just like us. They come to us needing us and our protection. But what if we can't help them more than their plan is or they are too perfect they don't need our help? They have a mission to be fulfilled and just like us when that mission is done they can rest from their earthly troubles and leave.  Everyday I woke up knowing Brigham was not going to live, I answered daily questions about my pregnancy and smiled and nodded even when I knew I would not be able to watch him grow as a little boy.
     I am telling you this to maybe express that our hopes and dreams are maybe different than what God has planned for us.
I am a different mother, friend, wife, sister, and person because God let me go through this. He changed me in ways I never knew possible. But does that mean I am all good and great now.... No! It means I move forward, or try to everyday, but the ache is so deep at times it engulfs me and I can only get by minute by minute.
     Death is not an event, it is a journey of pain. You are his mom and know everything about him, and everyday you will feel him gone. As others move forward and move on it is impossible for the mom too. It is a constant reminder of what you have lost and milestones come and help us remember how our life should be. But this is also a blessing, because it helps us keep a perspective heart, one that is full of love and appreciation for the people we still have in our lives.
     Oh tiff, I sure love you and would love to be here for you anyway you need. Sometimes even just a listening ear is good.
     I know at this time you are aching for sweet Bo. Your arms are empty and you feel physically sick from the pain. I just wanted to tell you I love you. I ache for you and pray constantly that you can feel comforted. This is not about "my story" but yours and I hope that in your story you look forward to that happy ending someday. I am still trying to find mine, but I hope through time it will happen. God did give us everything and because of our dear Savior, the family unit is not broken by death.
     I hope I did not say too much, but when Brigham died I was searching so deeply for any guidance. You are an amazing woman and Bo followed after your footsteps.
I love you and am here day or night, email, call, or txt.
Here are a couple conference talks that really helped me. I have a lot on my Instagram if you want more.
    I do know that God loves you and that someday you will see and understand why this is happening. Until then I know faith and hope will be needed. Xoxoxo

Because I live, ye shall live also-elder Bowen
It is better to look up- brother cook
Preach my gospel-hope

Always and forever-Becca

I wish I knew why bad things happen.  I misunderstood faith,
Mists of darkness happens, but that we can overpower them
Making covenants is the first step, now how well are you keeping them?

Look forward and not look back and trust in the savior

Isn't this a beautiful saying. I love acknowledging the "whole" you and life. God gave me this life and I want to accept the "whole" part of it. Good and bad. Life has been full of ups and downs for me, especially this last year. I have felt the deepest sorrow with losing Brigham and now feel it all over again every milestone that comes with knowing he is not with me. Sorrow is my daily normal, and I can have good days and bad, but I constantly live with a hole in my heart. I feel a heaviness in my heart and I know it is because I loved Brigham more than anyone, I am his mom!! People think love and sorrow are separate, But the reality of it is going through deep sorrow we learn the true meaning of love.
I feel like God feels sorrow with us and he is aching for us, knowing we are hurting, but I think he lets us go through it because he knows this is how we learn how to love.

Jan 26, 2016

Just embraced sweet Tiffany at Bos viewing. We embraced and held each other and cried with so much love and sorrow in the same hug.  She told me thank you for being there for me and for all the sweet txt messages. She said she wished she would have been there more for me. She said our little boys are up there playing around together and we need to live a life to get to them.

The Briggs operation!!!

When we were in the hospital the social worker came and talked to us.  He talked about how mourning and grieving were both essential in the healing process.  He went on to say that grieving something we do by ourselves, I think of as the ugly cry in the shower:(, the hurt that is inside and eating us up inside.  He then continued by saying that we need to mourn, which is the external part of healing.  Sharing with loved ones around, telling our story, expressing outwardly.  He mentioned the scripture that Christ teaches us to Mourn with those that mourn.  It hit me during thanksgiving that there are so many parents that will and are going through what we are going through.  All circumstances are different, but losing a child any way it happens hits deep to your core.  Your life is shattered and so many families feel that way.  

     This holiday season I felt responsible to help or *mourn with those that mourn.  I decided to honor Briggs by making kits and stuff and donating them to the hospital.  One thing we cherish is the baseball that sits on our mantel.  This baseball has our our sweet Brigham's hand/foot prints.  The one next to it has our family members signatures and then we all signed one and put it with Brigham in the casket.  This was something Adam cherished even more than me, because it was his boy with a baseball.  His dream was to have him play baseball and sports are something big in our family.  

     So anyways, we thought we would donate something for the dads.  So we decided that every week from thanksgiving up until Christmas we would get together on mondays and put together kits and then deliver them to the hospital.  We wanted to do all the hospitals in the valley.  The first week we just assembled and then the following weeks we assembled and delivered.

Payson hospital-

Utah Valley Regional Medical Center-

Orem Hospital-

Timpanogos Hospital-

American Fork Hospital-

We delivered a total of 100 baseball imprint kits, 50 kleenex boxes, 50 travel kleenexes, 50 photo albums, and over 50 homemade decorated boxes for the families to hold their memorabilia in.  

My favorite part was the delivery part.  We got to go to the hospital and deliver it straight to the nurses.  To tell them they are making a difference and let them know each baby matters no matter if they live long or not was so touching.  We would end by the whole group singing Families can be together forever. This started as wanting to give back, but ended as a touching tradition that we will do every Christmas!  

Christmas without our Brigham

     Christmas 2015 is one we will always remember.  We looked forward to this day thinking we would have a sweet little boy with us, but instead he is up in Heaven.  I have always heard that holidays are hard when you have lost a baby, but this feeling surpassed it all.  It started about the Sunday before Christmas when I was listening to the ward choir perform.  While I was listening I just lost it... for reals the ugly cry that you try to sustain and hold in until you are alone.  There was no holding in and I was a mess! Adam was up singing in the choir and I know he saw me, but I really could not control it.  It does feel as though the tank is full and needs to be released.  Primary was hard as well, but I got through it and it was nice to get home and cry in my own environment.

     I think the anticipation of Christmas and knowing he would not be with us was just too much to handle.  Well, the days past and Christmas came.  It came and I felt as though part of me was missing.  We put his stocking and teddy bear on the couch next to the girls, but there was a hole.  I know for a surety that he was there with us Christmas morning.  I know he watched as we opened gifts and thought about our sweet Brigham. We sure missed him!!!

     Olivia absolutely loved Christmas and had no expectation of what she was going to receive from Santa.  I would hear her tell Asia throughout the month that, "Santa knows us well that if we are good he gives us a gift we will like, and we just need to be happy with whatever we got."  I love that she understood this and that we didn't need to do a list to Santa.  I hate the idea that you just list down presents and then you get them.... But Olivia still had a wonderful Christmas and Santa did not disappoint.  Here are a few things Olivia got and loved: American girl doll (from DI:), (thanks grandma Carolyn)), Bunk bed/closet for the dolls, red sled (for cabin), snow suit (grandma Michele), beautiful dress from Grandma Jacobson, homemade pjs (grandma Carolyn), magic set, jump rope, arts/crafts, ipod shuffle---with great music on it!!  She probably got more, but it was great!!!  She loved playing with dad with both of their new nerf guns. 

     Asia loved it as well, but she had one gift that she really wanted...a mermaid tail!! It was so cute hearing her tell us that she wanted one. She got a baby american girl doll (di), doll carrier (grandma Michele), homemade pjs (grandma Carolyn), Nice dress (grandma Lori), mermaid tail, ant farm, arts/crafts, and of course her favorite was the skittles and little orange!!!  KIDS are so funny, they appreciate the little things! She was ecstatic Christmas morning and loved seeing all the magic and watching everyone open gifts and especially opening her own.  

     Adam got a little spoiled this year, because Santa Becca wanted to make sure we had fun things to do to make sure he wasn't too sad.  He got lots of clothes, cologne, scooter goggles, american flag swimming suit, Custom made--made by friend and painted by me :) Briggs Bean bag game, nerf gun and lots of love!!!

   I got just what I love from Adam.  He does such a good job and getting me little things and wrapping them up.  I don't like him to spend a lot of money so I enjoy the small things.  I got a shaver, shaving cream, pajamas, perfume, music piano book, treats, and ross gift card!! I love that we know each other so well and that we can just fun stuff and it is fun!!

     So we went to Welch party the Sunday before Christmas, Jacobson party on Christmas Eve, and then we visited my mom on Christmas night.  Had lots of fun with both sides of the family and just our little family.  One highlight was Christmas eve we sat in the hot tub, which was just what I needed emotionally.  Adam and I love getting in and talking while it is snowing outside....HOT TUB THERAPY!!!
     The hardest part was pulling up to the cemetery.  We missed Brigham all day, but standing in front of his grave felt like we just buried him that day.  The ache came back so raw just like when he passed away.  I know that he is happy though and because he is happy I am going to try my hardest to be happy.  We will be okay and that is because of our knowledge that Christ and our Heavenly Father has given us.  How appropriate to celebrate Christ's birth when we are mourning our son's death, because it is by Christ and his sacrifice we can be with Brigham again.  I know this is true and I am hurting inside, but I am grateful Heavenly Father chose Brigham to come to me.  Merry Christmas in Heaven sweet Brigham!!!

New years and resolutions!!!!

     Well I made it to 2016....which is truly a miracle.  I thought in April when I found out about Brigham I would not be able to make it to the end of the pregnancy let alone the end of the year.  This year has pushed me to the max spiritually, emotionally, and even physically.  But that said, I wouldn't trade anything in for a million dollars.  My sweet Brigham came to me and he came for a reason.  Yes it is true he didn't need to live in this world, because he was perfect... but it is more than that.  He taught me who I am and what potential God sees in me.  I have learned more about God's love for me than anything else.
     Resolutions are a funny thing...we think that it is a new year so we need to do resolutions, but in fact I want to continually do resolutions.  But I like the time to reflect on what I need to improve on.  This year I want to be more positive and rely on the Lord and his plan for me.  I want to get pregnant this year, but I am scared of pretty much everything.  This song hit hard to me..

Be still my soul, the Lord is on thy side
with patience bear, thy cross of grief or pain
Leave to thy God to order and Provide
In every change he faithful will remain

Be still my soul, thy best thy heavenly friend
through thorny ways, leads to a joyful end.

Be still my soul, Thy God doth undertake
to guide the future as he has the past
thy hope thy confidence, let nothing shake
all now mysterious shall be bright at last
Be still my soul, the waves and winds still know
his voice who ruled them while he dwelt below
Be still my soul......be still my soul.....be still my soul....
Be still my soul, the hour is hastening on, when we shall be forever with the lord
when disappointment, grief and fear are gone
sorrow forgot, loves purest joys restored
Be still my soul, when change and tears are past
All safe and blessed we shall meet at Last...

This is beautiful and explains my heart perfectly.  I will be at peace and trust in the Lord and I know through my faithfulness all things will be made right and it will eventually work out.

here is to a year filled with Love, Learning, and Faith!!

milestones...

     Each milestone I hit my heart feels like it has been ripped open again. Tomorrow will be 4 months since my Brigham went to heaven. I hurt just knowing a "16" of any month is near, it just means one more month has gone by with me not holding my baby. Today I might have scared Adam. I have been functioning fine, so I thought and then it just hit me.... It hits me so hard and fast I am doing everything I can to fight back the tears. This moment was worse than I have had in a while and I felt has though I  was physically, emotionally, spiritually breaking apart. It's the reality check that seems to smack you in the face and too many of those checks, your body has hits its limit. We got in the car and I literally curled in the fetal position in the car and could not stop crying.... It was so sad, but worse than that I was scared for myself. I have never seen me so hysterical.. Adam did such an amazing job at calming me down and by the time I made it home I was so much better. I am grateful for a loving spouse that lifts me when I am down, calms my aching heart, and cheers me on when I feel I have no strength. 

     I told Adam I just need a break..... I need a break from hurting so bad and feeling such deep pain. I need a silver lining, blessings that people talk about, Angels ministering, really I just need something.... Today is not a day I want to relive and I hope I can get stronger and face tomorrow with more resilience, but For now I am so heartbroken and I physically ache for Brigham.

Disney Cruise