nausea, nausea go away....

   

      I am still extremely nauseated still all day and it gets worse at night.  I go to the doctor every Monday now and it is bitter sweet to hear this sweet little Brigham's heartbeat.  I told the doctor this last time I was getting a sharp pain in my stomach and that my nausea has not improved, he thought I might be having a start of an ulcer.  Stress of knowing the baby wont live, pregnancy progressing, and serotonin being affected from my emotional status can all increase the acid level in my stomach, which would all contribute to an ulcer.
      In all my pregnancies I get extremely sick and usually need IV's.  I usually think about the sweet baby that will be coming my way and it makes me feel a lot better, but now when this thought arises it makes me sad knowing I won't get him.  The comfort of knowing I will hold him at the end got me through all the puking and all day/night relentless nausea at the beginning and now I will need to find the faith in knowing that my nausea will allow him to be held by our Heavenly father in Heaven. This breaks my heart, but I do know that Brigham will feel no pain and only joy and comfort going back to Heaven.
      I am usually sick for 24 weeks and I am in the 23rd week now and hoping for the day to come that I am not reminded every second of every day.  I hope and pray I can be strong and get through the nausea and more than that the knowledge of the outcome of this whole thing.  I love my sweet Brigham so much and would do anything for him.  I pray that he will live long enough to be snuggled on earth by his sweet parents and sisters, but if that does not happen I have faith in a God that is all knowing.  A God that is just and his eternal plan will let us hold and snuggle him for eternity.