Keep your head up!!!

     I woke up with a pit in my stomach, this pit has constantly been there.  From the beginning it has been hard to get my mind off our future.  The future that once looked so beautiful and perfect, which has now turned to deep sorrow.  When we got the news at our 20 week ultrasound my heart literally broke, but as the pregnancy has progressed I have tried so hard to find joy in all and everything to do with this little Brigham.  He has been my life and I truly have tried to give him everything possible to obtain what life he is able to have.  Through a lot of discomfort physically and emotionally I have done my best at giving this precious boy a life, a life that I know Heavenly father wanted him to have.  37 weeks has always been our goal and I thought I could just go about my life and get to that date.  I was wrong thinking that we could just sail along the path and not make decisions.  Isn't that what life is all about....making decisions to the best of our ability and then turning it over to the Lord.
     I was getting through it pretty well until my fluid started to rise and become such a health risk on both Brigham and me.  At 29 weeks I was measuring at 44 weeks, which is very dangerous because it was 4.5 liters of fluid in my belly instead of .5-1.  This caused much worry and discomfort to say the least.  We have prayed and kept moving forward with faith hoping this would work out as planned, but we realized that just letting things play out is also a decision.  And that decision could have deadly consequences to both Brigham and me.  On friday we decided to drain about 2 liters of fluid to buy us more time to help Brigham get bigger and stronger.  This procedure posed many risks, but we had to prayerfully make an educated decision on this.  Less than 4 days later almost all the fluid accumulated back in my belly and we were once again heart broken. Our plan then had to change so dramatically again.  The doctor said with a normal healthy baby and with my fluids they would most likely induce around 34 weeks and so that is our goal.  This makes the date the 16th, which seems close but when you are accumulating fluid so fast it is still a hard mountain to climb to get there.  We will have to do one more amnio to get there and we are just praying that it will work out.
      I have truly been tested more than I thought was possible in every way.  I have been so lucky to not have any hatred toward anyone or God, which is a huge blessing especially in situations like this.  I know this is a personal trial for me and my precious family, but I just wish I didn't have to go through it.  I think about life and why we are here.... we are here truly to be "Tested".  How can we be tested if we can't feel extreme sadness or heartache and joy.  How can we reach our full potential without feeling these emotions and going through trials that push us to the limits.  I don't think this happened because I was doing something bad or that I needed to learn a lesson, I believe I knew this sweet little boy in the pre-existance and chose to be his mom.  Some may disagree, but to each their own.  And when you are tested to such extreme you need purpose, with that purpose you can find some understanding.  Even if that understanding is small, it is still a small amount of peace and hope that can help you get through whatever you are facing.
     As the date approaches when we will meet and lose our so wanted boy at the same time, I pray that I will stay strong to the faith.  That when I do get that overwhelming "pit" in my stomach or that hope becomes so bleek and hard to find, I will pray to Heavenly father and he will comfort me.  This comfort I have felt so many times through this all.  I went to the temple today and they were closed, but as I read my scriptures on temple ground and grieved to the Lord I could feel his comfort.  He is there and real, he knows my heartache and through this all I know he will not leave me stranded. I will put my trust in him and his plan and as sister Kapp just recently told me, "I will keep moving forward and keep my head up."